Maddy's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Maddy [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

August 12th, 2008 9:51 pm God, I need to never stop and think about how screwed up I am. [ ] [ mood | cynical ] I guess it's a natural thing, since I'm the youngest and I've had no choice but to grow up fast. And I really do hate them for that most days. I was too young for that kind of sadness, and I shouldn't have had to deal with it, but they decided it would better my future. I'm sorry, even if you are eight, you should have some say. I didn't want to leave my friends, I didn't want to have to meet new people. I didn't even want to skip a grade, but they made me. And then they decided that I was old enough, so they stopped protecting me from the adult world. I was what, eleven? And then sex, depression, drugs, insomnia, and the real world became tangible things. You shouldn't have to touch that when you're a kid. God, we're still just kids. When did it become okay to live like this? Everyone's angry, everyone's upset, and everyone's spent a significant portion of their life trying and failing to cry themselves to sleep. When did the real world become a bad thing? When did it become okay to publicly rip apart families? When did it become okay for kids to stay with abusive parents, because it's more important to be with the birth parents than to grow up in any sort of loving home? When did it become a regular occurrence for little kids to get yanked off the street and exposed to this? When did it become okay to expose them to it in their own home? I really, really hate the world right now. I haven't seen anything good about it in almost four days now.

November 17th, 2007 10:22 pm Oh god. [ ] Today was my last marching band review of junior year. And it was so amazing. First place wind, second place parade, second place auxilary, third place drum major mace and fourth place percussion competition. But I'm going to miss our seniors so much. Nick, Michelle, Tom, Jason... Oh god. I'm crying again. But this year has been so amazing. And I hate that the season is over. I'm gonna go cry some more. I can't decide whether to be happy or not.

August 29th, 2007 9:30 pm FUCKING HYPOCRITE. [ ] "I didn't mean to make you unhappy, you can leave now if you want to." So I try. And we bare fangs for an hour trying to place blame and explain why this thing was so damned short, and why things couldn't work out, and he keeps saying "I've liked you for too long for it to end like this", so fucking what?! You're all so full of shit. Next time I try to get in a relationship, shoot me. It'll save us all a lot of trouble.

July 10th, 2007 1:01 pm So, my two fortune cookies today... [ ] [ mood | nostalgic ] Are snarky bastards, but they got their point across. One said "Why haven't you moved on yet?" And the other said "Happiness lies in your future, not in your past". They're both really important themes for me, if I want to make it through the rest of my life without having crying jags until five in the morning like I did last night. And no, Liz, before you start, it's not about Sam. Not at all. I have finally forgiven you for that, at least to the best of my ability, so don' t worry too much about it. I'm sure there will still be spats, because hey, we're friends and fights are how we say "I love you you evil bitch", so they have to happen. I'm talking about how much I miss Redding, and last night I spent a lot of time thinking about fairy tales and true love and all of that gooey nonsense, and how I can't seem to even be attracted to anyone here, much less consider loving them, when I had so much room for love before. And it struck me that it was because I hadn't left behind my love for the people there, and I'd closed myself off to everyone here, assuming they wouldn't be able to make me as happy as everyone there. And I realize that's going to take a while to change, because I still don't believe they can. And when I speak of 'true love', you can bet your ass I'm not talking about Steven- I never loved him, but he was a pretty awesome distraction from the fact that I was pining for exactly the sort of guy that, I realize now, I probably could have had at the drop of a hat if I'd had that kind of courage, but that I didn't think I deserve. Now I'm starting to realize how lowly I really think of myself, and I'm wondering if that's not without base, since I can be so cowardly at times. I'm so afraid of hurting people and letting myself be hurt that I can't seem to open myself up to people here, no matter how great they may be. There's really only one person here that I can, and that's definitely nothing romantic. So. Either I'll work on it or be a bawdy old cat lady throwing cookies at the children of the lane. I'd prefer the former to the latter, but hey, if all else fails, I do make awesome cookies. <3 Maddy 1

July 9th, 2007 9:27 pm It's funny how good and bad days run alongside one another. [ ] [ mood | rejected ] I know there's so much to say, and I know that there's so much I should be doing.  I just can't right now, there's too much going on, there's too much gone wrong and there's just too much trying to go right.  So I'm a little vague.  So I'm a little touchy.  So what, it doesn't mean so much these days It's a common state of being,  It's mostly your fault.  It's not about to change,  It's not pleasant at all.  I laugh for no reason,  I'm too jaded to cry.  I think too much, and then I'm off again.  It's a sad state of being,  It's a bitter disgrace.  But anything's better  than losing myself in your words' embrace.  It's an easy thing to do, I've seen the look in your eye.  I can't let myself fall,  I still have to fly.  So what did you expect,  A love like a beam of light?  I'm sorry, kid, I just don't shine that bright.  I just don't shine that bright.  I've lost myself again,  It's a strange state of being,  It's naught but a request And it's gone so very wrong.  So I'll keep on looking,  And pushing you away,  So you can't ever touch me,  And I can stay okay.  So what if I'm not perfect,  So what if it's a lie,  So what if you're sick of spending time Trying to figure out my strange little life,  I know there's too much to say. So we won't say a thing at all,  That's the way it's been for three days now And I'm really starting to miss That silly little southern boy drawl.

April 21st, 2007 10:07 pm [ ] [ mood | crappy ] Every day we're together is like being on a rollercoaster One of us is always angry about something. Everybody's atwitter, we can't just settle down. Someone always says to 'just chill'. Someone's always faking a smile. Someone's always hurting, and someone always wants to cry. Usually all of those are me. And I'm still so mad. And I'm still not sure what to do about it. It's not getting any better. It probably won't. I don't want to hurt forever, but you did a really awful thing. And you deserve to be happy. But so do I.

January 28th, 2007 9:22 pm Today was awesommmmmmmmme. Beyond all logical reason, la de da. :D [ ] [ mood | fantabulous. ] So. Today kicked arse. Beyond all logical reason. Seriously. IT WAS AWESOME. Yesterday I went over to my fetusfriend Emma's house, and we partied hearty. We stayed up way too late watching movies (Catch Me If You Can, some movie with ridiculously hot men including young Patrick Swayze playing hockey, and a movie about a cheating whore whose husband was trying to kill her for her money), and then we ate mexican cheese (Oh, how we laughed) and nachos. Then there was Emma. "LET'S GO OUTSIDE. AND....AND... GET SOME FOOD THAT'S REALLY BAD FOR US. :DDDDD" Oh, how I love you, Emmie dear. And we almost got gangraped. Not really, but we like to think so. We were sitting outside with our blankies and popcorn talking and being paranoid and cracking fart jokes, because that is what Emma and I DO when we're together, and then. The truck pulled in. -doom music- We were TERRIFIED. I hella thought they were going to have their way with us and kill us. Speaking of having one's way with someone, we hung out with Sam, too. But that's for later. They came into the driveway, and shined their headlights on us, and Emma and I just sort of clung to each other, and then they pulled out and PARKED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE. I just looked over at her and went, "...Emma? :D -twitchtwitch- Let's go inside now, kay?" and we grabbed our water and popcorn and RAN our scrawny whitegirl arses right back into the house. Of course, then we had to peek through the blinds to see what the guys in the truck did. And Emma did that part, because I was afraid they were going to be outside the window with hatchets. And they very calmly walked up the driveway next door and into the house. We're so astute. We totally considered the prospect that they might not be after us. Ha. Hahaha. <3 Then we watched V for Vendetta, and Emma got sleepy halfway through, and we slept. Fitfully, but we slept. God, I was SO paranoid after that. But we woke up and went for a walk around pleasanton, and then she got a text from Sam saying he would be over in ten minutes. And my Emma dear desperately needed to defecate. So we ran our arses off getting home, and Emma burst through the door. "SAM, ARE YOU HERE?!?!", she wailed. Her brother Sam was a little alarmed, but the Sam we were speaking of didn't answer. "GOOD." -flee- Figures the second she got out he got there. She has incredible luck. But yeah. We went out for bagels and made all sorts of threats to take brutal advantage of Sam while he was daydreaming. 'Twas fun. Then we rented The Omen, and I went home. And then I became Chris's source of inspiration. How cool am I? <333 So yes. In summary? Today rawked. Chances are, if you're reading this, I love you. <3 Maddy 1

December 15th, 2006 11:11 pm Eee, I feel gross. [ ] So. Yeah. My body is tired, my mind won't rest. I broke out in this nasty, itchy rash-type thing once I got home today, and medication is pretty damn appealing. It is exceedingly painful, and even the hair on the back of my neck rubbing against the skin hurts like a bitch. I think it's more stress-related than an actual virus, but you can never tell. Eee, I think I'm gonna go get the heating pad, and the aleve, and then pray to god that it goes away before monday. And maybe eat more ice cream. Yeah, it makes me feel worse, but it's a fine temporary escape.

September 12th, 2006 8:42 pm x_x" Memes. (Also. I would live in a nudist colony even if I did have to see other people naked. [ ] (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.) ✓ I miss somebody right now.  (Even though he hates me.) ✓ I don't watch much TV these days. ✓ I own lots of books. ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. × I love to play video games. × I've tried marijuana. ✓ I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. ✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. ✓ I curse sometimes. ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. ✓ I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. ( it goes on... ) 1

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